Job

Alarm goes off at 04:30. Twenty minutes to apply full-body paint that will convince the casual observer of the presence of clothes. Plenty of time. Only one person has seen through the deception so far. He is now dead (Former contestant on Cross Words - mercy killing). Why body paint? Limits monthly expenditure on clothes and fabric conditioner. Also means that Daz can be used on breakfast cereal. Doorstep challenge: answered.

Display just enough leg on the motorway to hitch a lift to the airport. Have lively debate with the driver on favourite bits of Ballard's Crash. Agree to disagree. Get out of the car thinking about The Atrocity Exhibition and John Sessions.





Arrive at Terminal B and make way through security zone to baggage handling area. Collect forceps, wrench, pen and log book from locker then sit down for an honest day's work. The task? Search each bag for contraband and/or explosive devices before they are loaded onto the plane. X-ray machines too expensive. God bless Ryanair. Start at 06:45.

06:45

First bags belong to changeover flight from Glasgow. No need to forcibly open the bags then as the natives appear to have difficulty understanding the concept of privacy. Toilets in Scotland come with transparent walls, a bar and a double bed. Little known fact. Most interesting find is a copy of the Fernando Ricksen autobiography. Inspirational.

08:52

Why are so many Irish people closet homosexuals? Surely they would have come to terms with being ritually sodomised by now and wouldn't need to illicitly import vast quantities of homosexual pornography from the Netherlands, marked in folders stamped "NAMA". One in five having been "educated" in a Catholic school and all that.

08:59

Thinking of developing a device that will incinerate every second bag. Wouldn't be as much fun, though.

09:41

A priest's luggage. Should be interesting.

10:00

Clock off with a satisfied mind. Only one bomb got through. Bound for Limerick, though, so no great loss. Natives unaccustomed to technology more advanced than toilet paper anyway so will probably try and shoo the plane off with pitchforks and rain dances.

10:30

Arrive in the office to start actual job. Check the news feeds for stories on luggage looters in the airport. Nothing as yet. Journalistic standards just aren't what they were.



Thoughts for the day:

#1 There isn't enough internet pornography catering for the murder/suicide demographic. Have been working on a project to remedy this. Circulated new screenplay around the major studios about a man who suppresses his impulses to murder women by dressing as a woman himself and slitting his own throat. Initial interest from Christian Slater a good sign.

#2 Haven't shot anybody for a while. Will fix this tomorrow.

#3 Bark of the cork tree unsuitable for preventing flatulence.