Finished the vocals for the new single today in one take despite the smell in the vocal booth. Took a dead badger into the booth for inspiration and to better visualise suffering and decay. Didn't really work, just seemed funny. Record company are happy with progress so far but have asked to tone down the genocide references. Told them we might lose the Austrian market if that happens and they relented. They know which side of their bread is buttered. An which side has been covered in rat poison in order to kill the pigeons.
Didn't really see the point in coming up with original lyrics when others have written lyrics that can be ripped off. Think it's called the Burroughs-Gallagher method. Kindly reproduced here without the authors consent or knowlege:
Woo-hah! Woo-hah!
Goodbye England's Rose, will you ever
Let me go-oh-oh-oh,
No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Still they got me like Jesus,
By Christ, you should've seen us
Woo-hah! Woo-hah!
I got you all in check,
Who shot me?! Well, you punks didn't finish the job!
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Ah, might as well Jump
Best go shoot the fucking doves
Oooh, I wanna dance with somebody
Slip inside the eye of your mind,
Don't you know you might find,
Which motherfucker stole my blow!
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo!!!
You thought I didn't see you now, didn't ya!
But I got ya!
Woo-hah! Woo-hah!
Can't decide what the next single should be. Toss-up at the moment between an ode to a body-popping dwarf that was composed on piano or a cover of Wannabe. Answers on a postcard. In an envelope. With white powder but no anthrax, please. I'm tired of all that rubbish now and it wasn't funny last time.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Job
Alarm goes off at 04:30. Twenty minutes to apply full-body paint that will convince the casual observer of the presence of clothes. Plenty of time. Only one person has seen through the deception so far. He is now dead (Former contestant on Cross Words - mercy killing). Why body paint? Limits monthly expenditure on clothes and fabric conditioner. Also means that Daz can be used on breakfast cereal. Doorstep challenge: answered.
Display just enough leg on the motorway to hitch a lift to the airport. Have lively debate with the driver on favourite bits of Ballard's Crash. Agree to disagree. Get out of the car thinking about The Atrocity Exhibition and John Sessions.
Arrive at Terminal B and make way through security zone to baggage handling area. Collect forceps, wrench, pen and log book from locker then sit down for an honest day's work. The task? Search each bag for contraband and/or explosive devices before they are loaded onto the plane. X-ray machines too expensive. God bless Ryanair. Start at 06:45.
06:45
First bags belong to changeover flight from Glasgow. No need to forcibly open the bags then as the natives appear to have difficulty understanding the concept of privacy. Toilets in Scotland come with transparent walls, a bar and a double bed. Little known fact. Most interesting find is a copy of the Fernando Ricksen autobiography. Inspirational.
08:52
Why are so many Irish people closet homosexuals? Surely they would have come to terms with being ritually sodomised by now and wouldn't need to illicitly import vast quantities of homosexual pornography from the Netherlands, marked in folders stamped "NAMA". One in five having been "educated" in a Catholic school and all that.
08:59
Thinking of developing a device that will incinerate every second bag. Wouldn't be as much fun, though.
09:41
A priest's luggage. Should be interesting.
10:00
Clock off with a satisfied mind. Only one bomb got through. Bound for Limerick, though, so no great loss. Natives unaccustomed to technology more advanced than toilet paper anyway so will probably try and shoo the plane off with pitchforks and rain dances.
10:30
Arrive in the office to start actual job. Check the news feeds for stories on luggage looters in the airport. Nothing as yet. Journalistic standards just aren't what they were.
Thoughts for the day:
#1 There isn't enough internet pornography catering for the murder/suicide demographic. Have been working on a project to remedy this. Circulated new screenplay around the major studios about a man who suppresses his impulses to murder women by dressing as a woman himself and slitting his own throat. Initial interest from Christian Slater a good sign.
#2 Haven't shot anybody for a while. Will fix this tomorrow.
#3 Bark of the cork tree unsuitable for preventing flatulence.
Display just enough leg on the motorway to hitch a lift to the airport. Have lively debate with the driver on favourite bits of Ballard's Crash. Agree to disagree. Get out of the car thinking about The Atrocity Exhibition and John Sessions.
Arrive at Terminal B and make way through security zone to baggage handling area. Collect forceps, wrench, pen and log book from locker then sit down for an honest day's work. The task? Search each bag for contraband and/or explosive devices before they are loaded onto the plane. X-ray machines too expensive. God bless Ryanair. Start at 06:45.
06:45
First bags belong to changeover flight from Glasgow. No need to forcibly open the bags then as the natives appear to have difficulty understanding the concept of privacy. Toilets in Scotland come with transparent walls, a bar and a double bed. Little known fact. Most interesting find is a copy of the Fernando Ricksen autobiography. Inspirational.
08:52
Why are so many Irish people closet homosexuals? Surely they would have come to terms with being ritually sodomised by now and wouldn't need to illicitly import vast quantities of homosexual pornography from the Netherlands, marked in folders stamped "NAMA". One in five having been "educated" in a Catholic school and all that.
08:59
Thinking of developing a device that will incinerate every second bag. Wouldn't be as much fun, though.
09:41
A priest's luggage. Should be interesting.
10:00
Clock off with a satisfied mind. Only one bomb got through. Bound for Limerick, though, so no great loss. Natives unaccustomed to technology more advanced than toilet paper anyway so will probably try and shoo the plane off with pitchforks and rain dances.
10:30
Arrive in the office to start actual job. Check the news feeds for stories on luggage looters in the airport. Nothing as yet. Journalistic standards just aren't what they were.
Thoughts for the day:
#1 There isn't enough internet pornography catering for the murder/suicide demographic. Have been working on a project to remedy this. Circulated new screenplay around the major studios about a man who suppresses his impulses to murder women by dressing as a woman himself and slitting his own throat. Initial interest from Christian Slater a good sign.
#2 Haven't shot anybody for a while. Will fix this tomorrow.
#3 Bark of the cork tree unsuitable for preventing flatulence.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Neighbours
April 16.
Remembrance service for the wasps passed off without incident today. Found a mass grave of them outside the apartment. Identifying their killer(s?) is proving to be difficult but suspicions have been aroused by the unusual activity around apartment 184. Unusual activity being the proliferation of African honey bees that occasionally are launched from apartment 184's window in yours truly's general direction whenever approaching. Such ingratitude. Was only calling to congratulate the inhabitant on the fact that his erection was plainly visibile even without the use of the new binoculars recently purchased. Currently deliberating over whether or not assault with an insect constitutes a declaration of war. May declare war nevertheless. Football season almost over so should have some more free time on Saturday afternoons.
April 19 - 09:37 AM.
Got things going in proper fashion with a blowtorch, a fishing rod and a tripwire. Inhabitant of 184 seemed irritated by the results. Responded by shooting one of his own rotweilers. Fool.
April 19 - 16:01 PM.
Exchange of insect weaponry has escalated. 184 now launching dung beetles directly at window. Responded by opening fire using Asian Giant Hornet squadron. Killed something if the scream was anything to go by but possibly not inhabitant of 184. Unless he's developed some kind of automated firing system for dung beetles. Further investigation required. May come in handy.
April 20.
Hitler's birthday. Mutual cessation of hostilities and exchange of gifts. Mein Kampf was a nice present but that's now the third copy in possession. Will place it on the shelf next to the Communist Manifesto and observe the results. Smart money's on Marx.
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