Israel

Great place. Was a constant source of inspiration through the difficult days of Yom-Kippur a while back. Need a country? Build one from scratch! Have attempted to recreate this scenario with varying degrees of success throughout the years. Most successful was that time yours truly bifurcated the flat complex into two warring territories taking Kashmir as an example. Started shelling the car park in order to better convey the impression of a war-ravaged disputed zone. Didn't go down too well with the patrons of the local creche and Spar who were caught in the blast radius but they've no one to blame but themselves. Shouldn't have built so close to a war zone or decided to use children as human shields (that's never deterred yours truly before, either).

Anyway, Israel. Industrious indigenous population, that much is certain. Seem to build houses at a rate that implies they expect several hundred older dwellings to be destroyed in the time it takes to say "Arab!"*, for some reason. Weren't fond of habit of periodically dropping live hand grenades into manholes but positively loved tendency to indiscriminately lob heavy ordinance over large brick walls. They also seem quite prone to leaving contruction vehicles and heavy plant parked conspicuously in odd places. On that topic, why on Earth would anyone want to build a house or a school somewhere that diggers and excavation trucks are operating? Pure carelessness you realise, after you've stopped laughing. Also very carless to leave the doors of such vehicles open so that if, say, if one were to have a detailed and intimate knowledge of hotwiring machinery one could commandeer such a vehicle, ignore the squealing noises that suddenly arise, daub "I AM THE VOICE OF MY OWN GOD" on one's naked chest in Chanel No. 5 lipstick and proceed in whatever direction the voices compel one to.

This display of undisputed constructional and architectural savvy impressed the natives no end and was quickly rewarded with a contract to build new homes in the vast, uninhabited expanse of land to the west of the river. Couldn't say no. How often do you get a chance to build a conservatory on a three-bed semi while simultaneously tear-gassing local children? Just the five times a year, roughly, that's how often.

Drew up initial plans on the houses quickly enough. Made sure to include large cellars with egress points behind the cupboard in the drawing room. You never know how many Austrians might be interested in purchasing. Handed in the plans to the quantity surveyor, arranged a phalanx of bulldozers and then set them to work. Had to bring proceedings to a halt after just fifteen minutes. Apparently the vast expanse of land wasn't quite so uninhabited as one had been led to believe and that sporadic regions of the terriroty are, in fact, home to some rather strange-looking, swarthy types who opposed the construction process on the ludicrous grounds that, apparently, their people has not only been living in this part of the world for quite some time but had, in fact, been here first. An argument which one, admittedly, found confusing but was also summarily scotched after an Israeli colleague produced a copy of the Bible which contained absolutely no reference to these dark fellows whatsoever and indisputably, irrevocably made clear that the land belonged to Israelis. Worse was soon to follow, however. In addition to the aforementioned ridiculous claims on the land, apparently many of these so-called "Palestinians" (if that is their real name) have taken to living in dwellings composed of wood, fabric and polystyrene surrounded by large, barbed fences. Well, that's a bit stupid, isn't it? Why would you want to live somewhere like that? Why not just emigrate or, heaven forbid, go for a swim? Even after pointing out to them on a map another, nearby country they could fuck off to that one's hosts also kindly assured was uninhabited (Lebabonon, or something) they insisted on remaining and seemed to believe they stood a good chance of winning the argument.

Fools.

Moral resistance doesn't tend to function too well against a Caterpillar D9, it turns out.

Flew home on the Tuesday evening. Enjoyed that little soujourn so go to typing up CV. Opportunities for similar work going in Chechnya, one is told. Sounds enticing.

Thoughts for the day:

#1 There are too many countries in the Balkans. If only there was some way of unifying them under a single flag and singular national and ethnic identity. If only there was someone up to the job. Someone unafraid to make the difficult decisions. One speaks, of course, of Ian Dowie. Cometh the hour...

#2 Strange noises coming from the windowsill indicate possible sniper fire. Further investigation required.


* A common local exclamation which, judging by observing its usage, can either mean -

"Shoot!"
"It was him!"
"What are you wearing under that burqua?!"
"Fuck"
"This establishment and surrounding environs will be reduced to a smouldering hole in the ground following a brief passage of time"